Complete Truth about Christmas in Japan
Christmas is not recognized in Japan in the same way as in the west, although companies are pushing for it, as getting everyone into the Christmas mentality would undeniably inspire a huge boost in sales. It would basically mean an annual spontanous appearance of bags full of gold in the company headquarters, making the upper management reach that coveted period where you are still smiling and feeling happy, before your board of directors pushes you to get twice as many bags or else.
The evil New Year still reigns supreme, with Christmas being more like an outside thing that nevertheless has managed to penetrate somewhat through aggressive advertising efforts. Hopefully after crushing New Year, Christmas can totally take over and instead of eating inferior new year foods with only a 1200 year history, we can all just get fat on turkey and ham like normal people.
First rule of Meat Club is doughnut talk about Meat Club
The forced fitting of a foreign custom does lead to some strange phenomena. When a country has no concept of christmas yet and there is a concerted effort to bring said concept there, there is ample opportunity to tweak some things to benefit the parties funding the christmas PR bonanza. One successful variation that slid through was that instead of turkey or ham, the thing people often eat on Christmas is a white cake with strawberries (not pictured, sorry, ate them all). I imagine there was some underground fight between the head of bakery association and the head of the meat producing association, fighting it to the death over which product would become the thing you eat on Christmas. While the meat guy was not afraid of blood and was highly trained with butcher knives, ultimately the baker managed to distract him by throwing flour into his eyes, followed by a quick bop in the head with a rolling pin. After that the poor meathead collapsed into a huge pile of dough.
The baker probably said some lame oneliner such as "Dough Christmas, huh?" while turning on the heat. Oh and incidentally, this is how Japanese Meatloaf was also invented. So that is why instead of turkey or ham, we now have Christmas Cake in Japan instead.
Mutant Colonel Sanders
Next we must dive into some biology to explain another cultural abnormality. DNA is the material that carries genetic information. Such as organisms have DNA, countries have their own cultural DNA. The material gets copied around to enable the survival of the fittest culture. One Saturday, as cultural DNA was being copied from USA to Japan, a minor copying error happened. Usually these are not important, but this mutation was
in the "KFC" gene.
The KFC gene creates an organelle called the "fast food restaurant". It works similarly to a mitochondria, except instead of making ATP, it produces buckets of grilled chicken, which have an even larger energy content. When the KFC gene was copied over to Japan, there was a random mutation which caused customers of KFC to believe that on the day the son of god was born, customers should try and consume dead animal tissue at KFC.
This mutation turned out to be very beneficial to the company, as now each Christmas they manage to collect larger piles of green pieces of paper than on other months. Researchers have still not reached consensus as to why this mutation also causes the Colonel Sanders character to change its outfit, but as long as funding continues, they believe an answer could be possible in the 3-5 year timeframe.
Call to ACTION
Your only hope in reversing these unnatural mutations and to defeat the evil baker is to subscribe to Candy Japan. By exporting strange Japanese candies to abroad, we will make foreign cultures see how dangerous this type of cross-cultural pollination is. After they realize their past wrongs, it is only a matter of time before Solonel Sanders and the evil cakes will be recalled from Japan.